How to never be single

On the (lack of) importance of spending time alone

I’m 32 and I’ve never really ever been single. I’ve never been on the apps, or navigated “situationships” and I lived alone for a grand total of ~6 months of my adult life. Occasionally, when talking to friends who are single, or who at least had long stretches of singledom in their 20s, I get the distinct feeling that they think they know something I never will, because I never had to figure out how to “hack life on my own”. That they “know themselves” in a way that I don’t, and in a way that’s only possible to acquire by spending several years outside of the family unit where your life is not entwined with someone else's. 

I’m sure they’re right! Being part of a couple affects so many things. To have a partner is to have someone to celebrate and to mourn with, someone to rely on when things don’t go according to plan, someone to share the burden of basic everyday tasks with and to temper the mundanity of daily life. To have a partner also precludes a degree of self-focus and ability to explore options that many people view as central to self-development during their youth. You have to think about how your actions, goals and decisions impact your partner and your relationship, you have to negotiate competing desires and make compromises. You can’t just decide to take a job in another city, you have to have a discussion. You might be able to get away with being bad at some basic life skills (the power of division of labor!), but you also take on additional obligations to your partner and their larger family network.

But are these bad things? Are these not “wisdom promoting”? Are these not exactly the sort of skills you should be practicing if your goal is to have a family with someone in the future? Are we supposed to be convinced that relationship stability is only possible for people who have first thoroughly practiced not being in a relationship? Is there reason to believe that you need years of total self-focus, unconstrained by the needs or concerns of anyone else, in order to eventually be ready to prioritize your future family? And… isn’t relating to and compromising with another person a great way of learning about yourself and your priorities? 

While I acknowledge that there are certain experiences and skill development opportunities which you’re more likely to miss out on if you’re in a serious relationship throughout your 20s (or a series of serious relationships with little time in between), the reverse seems clearly true as well. Of course people who’ve spent a significant amount of time single have had experiences I haven’t, some of which have been very valuable to their self development. But so have I! 

For one thing, while I’m not much help to friends who are navigating the early stages of dating, once they’re in a relationship I can be a great chat! After all, I lived with and compromised with and navigated conflict with a partner for over a decade, and most of the other people they’re close enough to talk to about such things have only had a year or two of such experience. Obviously every relationship is different, but simply spending time in relationships opens your eyes to the reality that… things are often complicated and two-sided and that your friend might be part of the problem actually and not just a victim in need of your comfort! 

The biggest relative benefit (I think) I provide with respect to relationship advice, despite not having actually been in many relationships, is not any special wisdom but simply that I’m more likely to respond with empathy for both partners rather than with aggressive love for them and judgment for their boyfriend (who is obviously failing to realize what a prize he has in my amazing, beautiful and perfect friend who can easily get another better guy whenever she wants!) I think many young women struggle to talk about normal relationship challenges for fear of receiving the response that you “deserve better!” and should therefore “dump his ass!” And being able to talk to someone who enters the conversation assuming the goal is to improve the relationship, rather than to perfect it or end it, can be a lot more productive.

But back to the point. I’ve heard from several people that spending a significant amount of time single forced them to “face themself and life on their own” which helped them to confront certain issues, learn to self-soothe, incentivized them to develop deeper and more meaningful friendships, and gave them confidence in themselves and what they want in life. I think this makes a lot of sense. Successfully being single is a clear signal to yourself that as much as you might want to find a romantic partner, you ultimately don’t need one. You’re already ok on your own and you’re looking for a good match rather than the first person who’ll take you. And approaching dating with this stance is likely helpful, both for attracting the person you’re looking for and avoiding the ones you’re not.

clear evidence of the immense wisdom gained from singledom

All that sounds great, but frankly, until you’re in a serious relationship it’s pretty easy to convince yourself that you’d be a perfect partner if only you were, while going through life blissfully unaware of how crazy you really are and how hard you actually are to deal with sometimes! As Alain de Botton said: 

Nobody’s perfect. The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. Whenever casual relationships threaten to reveal our flaws, we blame our partners and call it a day. As for our friends, they don’t care enough to do the hard work of enlightening us. One of the privileges of being on our own is therefore the sincere impression that we are really quite easy to live with.