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Bart Wright's avatar

"Assortative mating" definitely happens. There's a big correlation between what different people value. So some people can get lots of dates and interest, and others very little. Wise people figure this out. If you're on the lower side of the desirability spectrum and you want a committed relationship, you'll likely have to "settle" for someone who's also low on their spectrum. So throughout life you both will constantly meet people who are more attractive than the one you have. However, bonds grow over time and if you have good memories with a partner, you will at an emotional (non-transactional) level, feel something for that person that is based partly on various little quirks that have no inherent value. One thing you can value in your partner is their tendency and commitment not to be thinking of "trading up", and that while there can be sufficient justifications for a break-up, you will try hard to work through problems. And they can value that in you. Our culture and perhaps biology incline us in this direction, as typically couples had multiple children together, and it really helps if you really want to be with that co-parent rather than judging it to be in your narrow self-interest. Thinking deeply about just why someone values you and why you value them seems like a recipe for constant dissatisfaction.

I heard a tale of a woman with only one arm who was pleased that a dating relationship was going well, but then she discovered that he had a fetish for people with one arm. Horrified, she dumped him. That seems like failing to take advantage of good fortune. If he's a decent guy, he would come to be connected to her and value her for much more than that. You might think of being valued for youth as in the same category. It sets the stage for shared experiences that build more lasting bonds.

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Kryptogal (Kate, if you like)'s avatar

I would absolutely expect my man to leave me if he found someone 20% better who would take him. Or even 10% better. I just think the likelihood of that happening are low enough that I don't spend time stressing about it. Yes, there are people 20% better, but not many that are 20% better AND that would be interested in him. Same goes the other way around.

I think the trick is that you find someone who really would not easily be able to find anyone 10% better than you, and that you would not easily find anyone 10% better than them, on whatever your respective desired mix of metrics are. If you and your partner each have some fairly unusual demands or desires, it makes that much easier. Because if you fill them and most people don't, then you don't have to worry about much competition. Whereas if your partner has ZERO unusual desires/demands, and just basically cares that you're generally pretty, kind, and smart in a way that's pretty basic and common...well that would make me feel more insecure. This goes to your post the other day about offering traits that most people don't like/value, but a minority of people REALLY like. I think you can feel fairly confident about not being replaced if you're an outlier on some measure that not everyone likes, but your partner values.

I think people don't want to be valued for beauty because it is an absolute guarantee that everyone will be ugly someday, and probably for many decades. Unless they die very young. So that would be a very dumb thing to feel secure about, if it was all you had to keep a partner with.

Last, although everyone thinks they WANT to have total security about not being left, they really don't. It's a human instinct to want to lock down anything valuable and keep it safe and sound and away from competition, we all desire that. And then we all, quite quickly after obtaining said security, immediately take the previously-precious thing we've secured and take it for granted. It's good to have at least a LITTLE insecurity about being left, otherwise you will just be very bored and uninterested, and your brain will focus its attention on securing the next valuable asset or the next achievement or challenge. Everyone does that, it's completely natural brain biology, and it's not avoidable even if you try to resist. It's a waste of energy for your brain to allocate emotions and attention towards anything it has total security and certainty about. There's a balance between the crazy-making high drama of relationship insecurity and the dull deadness of utter security.

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