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Warburton Expat's avatar

Well, after we broke up, within about three months she was with a guy in a bikie gang. I feel fairly confident he would have been indifferent to her expressed boundaries.

I do wish we'd had sex (according to her definitions of it, as well as mine). I don't wish I'd ignored her boundaries, even if her boundaries were not entirely sincerely-held.

I like what Deniro said in Ronin: "where there is any doubt, there is no doubt." I think it's best to be together where there is no doubt, if at all possible. This must of course allow for people being young and inexperienced, the context of the relationship (as you so well-expressed with one-night stand vs long marriage), and so on.

The other difficulty comes from this. Part of the thrill of a new relationship, especially when you're young, is the uncertainty of what the other person means or wants - that exploration. You can't lay it all out like a banking contract without taking the passion out of it. This perhaps explains why younger people are having less sex than previous generations - they're too frightened of crossing a boundary.

Obviously we must do what we can to prevent sexual assault. But if we're too paranoid about that, we deprive people of that thrill of exploration in a new relationship. It's a difficult balance. I doubt that woman regrets the bikie bonk, though.

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