Moissanite Mary
What happens to a status symbol when it becomes accessible to all?
In season 1 of Selling Sunset, Mary Fitzgerald, 38 at the time, was dating the handsome, French, 26 year old Romain Bonnet. Mary and Romain were very obviously in a "wealth gap relationship". Mary was regularly making commissions on the sale of homes worth tens of millions while Romain was a model, pastry chef, and construction worker(?). At the end of the season Romain proposes to Mary with a moissanite ring. When Mary shares the news with the other agents, Davina is immediately critical saying that she’d "rather have no ring at all". This launched a slew of Moissanite Mary discourse on Reddit and beyond which was almost entirely defensive of Mary and her ring, including many claiming that moissanite is not a fake diamond but a "completely different stone!", just like a ruby or a sapphire. While I totally agree that Davina is a socially incapable asshole, let's not kid ourselves and pretend moissanite is not meant to be a diamond dupe! It absolutely is, and it's a very good one. In recent years moissanite, and lab grown diamonds, have become much more popular for engagement rings as they allow the average groom-to-be to purchase a Much. Bigger. Rock. And as recently betrothed woman myself (!) I’ve been thinking about the purpose of the engagement ring and how its signaling value might evolve as lab grown gems become increasingly common.
The purpose of the engagement ring is three-fold:
It's an expensive signal of commitment and love from the groom-to-be to the bride-to-be.
It's a status marker for the bride-to-be (and to a lesser extent, the groom-to-be).
It's pretty.
The degree to which a given bride-to-be is concerned with each potential purpose can vary widely. Some women really just want a pretty ring. Some want to test whether their partner is willing (and able) to get them what they like. Some really want to impress their girlfriends, while others would be embarrassed to have something that too loudly signals their wealth. Others just care that he put time into planning the proposal etc. But in general, the engagement ring serves some combination of these three purposes.
A hard to fake symbol of commitment and love
The engagement ring signals the groom's willingness and ability to spend money on the bride. It's also a barrier to exit, and therefore a signal of commitment, since if he leaves her he's out the money he spent. But given that so many couples cohabitate before marriage nowadays, is this signal really necessary? By the time he's popping the question the bride-to-be probably already has intimate knowledge of the state of his finances and sharing a home (or a lease) is a reasonably high barrier to exit anyways. While many cohabitating brides-to-be will still desire a painfully expensive purchase, others might honestly prefer a more modestly priced ring. These more financially conscious brides-to-be might still want a public display of affection through an elaborate or surprising proposal, but the time and energy put into a grand gesture can be separated from the financial value of the ring itself. For a bride-to-be who has other signals of commitment from her partner and who cares more about having a larger rock than knowing that it was pulled out of the ground, a moissanite ring might be the more rational choice.
When a status marker becomes easy to fake, context clues dominate
I'm no jewelry expert. I'm pretty sure that I, and most people, would have no way of telling the difference between a mined diamond and a lab grown diamond (or moissanite). Before lab grown gems became popular, a Very. Big. Rock. was a hard to fake signal which implied that the couple was very wealthy (or very irresponsible with money). But that's increasingly no longer the case, as 3+ carat rings are now pretty accessible. I expect this means we'll be seeing more very large engagement rings around. And you can only go so large! It's not like ultra wealthy couples can just get bigger and bigger rocks without limit. Given this, I’d expect that the status signaling value of a large diamond will decrease, and people will take into account other context clues when determining how likely it is to be a mined diamond. When I see someone with an LV Neverfull I generally assume that it's fake simply because it's so commonly counterfeited. Even the Goyard tote has started to become too common to be assumed genuine, so context dictates whether the it conveys the intended status or not. I expect a similar dynamic to become more relevant with respect to engagement rings. Instead of seeing a large ring and assuming the woman (or her partner) is wealthy, the conclusion will instead depend increasingly on her overall appearance, whether she's wearing other wealth signifiers, her behavior etc.
Will we see fewer solitaire rings in a moissanite rich world?
Most women (other than us NLOGs of course) envision a solitaire diamond engagement ring. But why might this have become the most popular style in the first place? One reason is that it's very easy to style. A simple setting with a colorless gemstone goes with any outfit. But importantly, the solitaire is also the best style to highlight the main rock! If the question your girlfriends will ask is "how many carats?" (note, I don't think girlfriends should or generally do ask such things directly) it makes sense to concentrate on the main diamond and to make it look as large as possible. But, if everyone has a big solitaire ring… the desire to showcase its size will be diminished. I therefore expect that the personal aesthetic sensibilities of the bride-to-be will become more dominant and that we'll see a wider variety of engagement ring styles and gemstone choices. Obviously there will still be trends, even now the style of solitaire that's popular has changed over the decades. The Sex and the City scene where Carrie is horrified by the “tacky” yellow gold engagement ring that Aiden originally picks out doesn't age well in our yellow gold-loving 2020s environment. But at the margin I expect that we'll see a significantly wider variety of colors and styles in the future as brides-to-be focus more on expressing their personal aesthetic taste.
I think a moissanite (or other lab grown gemstone) ring really does make a lot of sense. Unless you’re looking for the groom-to-be to make a painful purchase (purpose #1) to confirm his commitment, it’s hard to argue why you should buy mined stones. But still… I think Davina’s comment stung for a reason. If you care about purpose #1, an impossible-to-clock lab grown gem (or fake Fendi) just doesn’t feel the same as the real deal, but if all you want is a gorgeous ring (or cute bag) it’s totally irrelevant. Regardless, I expect significant changes to the engagement ring landscape as lab grown gems become the norm.
Engagement rings do seem like an anachronistic remnant of the dowry era, but I have to admit that symbols can matter in relationships. Debates about the "usefulness" of engagement rings can sometimes seem similar to arguments about the "usefulness" of marriage. Yet I think it's hard to escape the usefulness of marriage as a symbol of relationship strength for most people. Engagement rings might hold a similar value for many people and I don't know if we should necessarily try to dissuade them too strongly.
Thinking of your comments about "barrier to exit," what if men proposed by putting a down payment on something that can be both showy and useful, like a desired car or dress instead?
Counterpoint:
I acknowledge that expensive "symbols" like 3 month engagement rings, lavish weddings, exotic honeymoons, etc., can have high social value and that many individuals want them for other reasons. However, engaging in them has large opportunity costs. Such expenses can readily top a hundred grand which is nothing if you are a Gates (of the Microsoft Gates), etc. However, for normies such extreme one time expenses represents the loss of real value: paying off college debts, a down
payment on a home, capital to start a business, etc. There is nothing wrong with wanting them but actually spending that money on ephemera at the start of a relationship does not bode well for future financial wisdom...